it's 3am
i should be sleeping or slogging.. but i'm doing neither...
been blog surfing... of cos on my friends' blogs...
i guess pple who know me well enough knows i'm the kind who can't be bothered about anything... haha... unless u're my friend. that's y i'm always one of the last few to know who's attached to who in hall.. cos to put it more crudely... i dun really care about those pple. hahaha...
while i was reading about others... i was thinking... about my own life, about some comments pple made about me recently.
number one... jiahong said to dione that i'm someone who needs a lot of attention... (ok i was not supposed to know about this but somehow i got to know it.. haha.. oops =P)
how true.. that i know about myself... haha... i guess it's a common trait of spoilt kids.. haha. afterall, i was an "only child" during my formative years... i had all my parents' attention then... maybe that's y i didn't like my younger brother when we were younger... my mum said i was always mean to my second brother when we were young... (e.g. buying treats only for my youngest brother etc) really? i dun remember... maybe that's y i'm subconciously trying to make amends now that he's becoming more matured... it seems we're on better terms now.. as compared to our ties with that little devil... haha
ok, back to the point on needing attention.... i guess... it's more a habit than a want... but anyway.. noticed that i haven't declared my last two blog entries on my msn? haha... maybe cos those were not my "typical" happy posts...probably i didn't wan to declare to the world that i'm unhappy... afterall, the kaibin that everyone knows has always been a happy one... or maybe i didn't wan someone to read my posts (i think a bit more of the latter... haha)
number two... willie toh said i need to be more concerned about my younger siblings...
guess what? my dad said the same thing at least 10 times this hols.. haha.. geez... maybe that was y i got so fed up after hearing it yet again from willie's mouth.. hahaha... sighz... poor guy... he became an innocent victim of my wrath which actually originated from my dad's naggings...
sigh... i guess that's another unfortunate habit that i built growing up... i cultivated the habit of telling my mum only happy/funny/interesting happenings in school ever since i was very very young... never the unhappy ones... (maybe that's y most of my blog entries were happy like rongshan observed)
well my parents were always busy... so they never had the time/habit to ask me anything except about my studies/homework.... n i was a latch-key kid in sec school (which also happened to be the darkest years in my life so far...)
so u see? that was the kind of family relationship i grew up with... n i'm so used to it that i simply dun talk to my siblings... no one in this family talks! my dad only talks n doesn't listen, my mum only argues with dad... hahaha... sighz... u see, we're never used to showing concern... though deep inside, we do care about each other... it's just that we all dun know how to express our concerns... n it's a bit hard to build that kind of relationship now since we've all grown up (my youngest brother is now in sec school.. the rebellious age... tell me how to build a healthy relationship with him now? i'd like to see anyone try...) n it's not helping that i dun stay at home...
number 3... my sad boring, meaningless, uninteresting, life
haha... sigh... i dunnoe what i'm doing.. dunnoe where i'm heading... i seem to be wasting my life away... what do i really wan in life? i guess i dun really know
maybe i have a tiny clue of what i wan in the distant future... but those are really just the most worldly desires... the material wants... what i want to achieve in life? i really dun know...
look at my friends... mary for example... i feel so miniscule next to her...
i feel i've wasted my last three years in ntu... i dun even know what i'm still doing there... my heart's no longer there.. i think it never was... i think i wasted my whole life just doing what seems rite... not what i think i want... going to dhs, n my first 3 months in ac... those where the things that i did cos they were "right"... not cos i really wanted them...
the only right thing i think i've done so far was going to ny... haha... i dunnoe what made me set my mind on ny... my mum probably had a point in saying that if i so much as approached my teacher in ac, i might have been able to stay... but i made up my mind to change school.. because i felt i didn't fit in there... haha... n so i got to know my dearies in jc... n had the most wonderful 2 years of school in my whole academic life.. though i hated maths class n mr kooi... hahaha... but the rest of the school, teachers, n friends i got to know there made me love that place... with my whole heart...
my life then seemed more purposeful, at least i had a goal then: to get into uni. but now... i dun know... studying seems pointless, especially after i decided i didn't wan to get into a career in the bio field... n there's even less appeal now... to know that my good friends are going to graduate in a year... without me.... but i only have myself to blame for that...
yeah... for those who dun know yet... my studies in ntu has been delayed a year... i know it in myself that what i have been doing at least in the last 2 sems was simply denial.. i didn't wan to face the facts that i might have to delay my studies by a year... i couldn't put my heart into studying... everything seemed so pointless.. i just wanted to get out of it.. but it didn't solve the problem... it only allowed the fact to hit me harder in the face, and allowing external "concern" to apply a greater pressure on me...
so the happy kaibin wasn't happy... she was never really happy.... ironic isn't it?
yupz, "happy-go-lucky" kaibin has always been a bottled up kaibin.. one who has even lost herself... i don't really know myself anymore... i guess someone was right, maybe i really don't express myself enough... or rather, i've never bothered to explore within myself... to find out what it is that i really want...
n i flared up at him... if u are reading this... (though i dun think he ever does) i apologise for my behaviour... maybe i was just surprised at how well u know me... maybe u were just yakking... haha.. but somehow u got it spot on... n it just doesn't feel good to have someone knowing u so well inside out... at least, for me, it was pretty weird... because even i didn't know so much about myself...
something just snapped today.. haha... i didn't expect to write so much.... i didn't even expect such things to come from me... writing this blog entry became a journey of self-discovery... those who really did bother to read till this part, thanx for ur patience n witnessing the revelation of the real me.. i guess now that i've finally faced up to what's inside, it'll be easier to get myself together n figure out what's ahead... what to work towards to, n what to work for...
i hope to see a new me soon... n i know u guys will be there for me along the way... (u all know who u are... *smilez)
